Monday Rambles – Fears

Hey everyone! I’m still here. Things that were supposed to happen months ago are happening only now. Though the plan was to start back in January due to the husband’s work we had to stay back another month and when finally tickets were booked and the itinerary confirmed for the end of Feb, again he was asked to stay back for another month and so here we still are and hoping that we will finally fly to India this weekend – Saturday to be exact. Looks like Easter Sunday will be spent in – flight.

Its been crazy and although ideally I would’ve liked to be all calm and composed and zen like, reality has been far from it… When you’ve prepared your mind for something and you hear that your plans are not to be there is this feeling of powerlessness and uncertainty which don’t quiet agree with me. I hate surprises and the Cancerian that I am – I hate feeling insecure.

I’m a firm believer in the adage – Everything happens for a reason and so I settled down and decided to find the silver lining in my ‘situation’

Problem (s) – I feel stuck, I have a home in India I need to set up and being in another country further delays our settling in, I need to find a job so that the break in my resume doesn’t turn into a gaping pothole, We’ve discontinued Em’s school so shes at home and every moment I don’t engage her ends up with me feeling terribly guilty, I miss my family and friends who I’ve not seen for so many years now.

All these problems I know will disappear once we get to India but there is still this nagging thought at the back of my head…A fear that I may get sucked up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life and lose my voice again. If I’m not creative I don’t exist. I also fear being consumed by my fears.

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Dear Reader, I’m sorry I’m drawing you into my fears and insecurities and I know I started this blog as my happy place. Where I can be happy and where if anyone drops by can feel happy and maybe inspired (?) 🙂

I hope you all pray for me and as I step into what feels like a new chapter in my life, your good wishes and friendship will remain because, you are all so special to me!

Wishing you all a wonderful week!

 

 

Act III

I saw the man in the black uniform trying to put his glasses on at an angle…trying once, twice and finally on the third try he gets it right and his spectacles or glasses as the Americans call it, were rightly positioned over top of where the bridge of his nose. His nose arched and rose up from his face, with huge nostrils you’d imagine could smell even the slightest whiff.

He thought of what his wife may have cooked for dinner or whether they would have take away like the night before. He hated eating out. He felt it was better his wife murdered him than have him eat all that  saturated and hydrogenated fat…He wondered whether he would die of a heart attack like his father and his grandfather before him…Why is she not concerned for my health he wondered? Does she hate me so much to desire my death? She’s lazy…the spawn of the devil – sloth.

He was lazy too. He had gotten too comfortable in the Play de Les miserables that his life had become. She promised him a lot when they first got together – she would bear his children, cook, clean do everything for him…She had big dreams for him, dreams for their beautiful family – luxury, comfort and travels to far and exotic places.He never could make those dreams come true and soon a curtain of gloom dropped on their life…Act II, Scene Apathy.

He got home and his wife was ordering takeaway…again.

“Do you have change for the tip?” his wife asked. Her tone nonchalant.

“Sure,” he said.

He went in to freshen up until the delivery guy came in.

On Living and Life

Hallo Hallo my lovelies! Lil Ems has finally started school even if its just for two days a week at Pre school. I’m not sure I can ‘handle’ all this time to myself. Last week I literally binge watched shows on Netflix and before I knew it the bird was back in her nest and the husband was perplexed at the state of the kitchen and the house in general and asked ‘What were you doing here all day?!” Well, I just scratched my head and looked back at him with the same clueless expression.

Has it happened to you – when you badly anticipate for something to happen and finally when that day of freedom arrives, its over before you know it and you have nothing to show for it?

So anywho, today is yet another school day and I decided to do something constructive – update my poor neglected baby blog, take a walk/ go to the gym, read, do some crochet and tidy up and vacuum the house.

Last week after the husband and I saw lil Ems off at school we hung around downtown at the City Library where I saw this quote

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There are debates as to whether the quote was actually by Anton Chekhov – but, thats beside the point. It’s the quote by itself that ‘caught’ my attention. The thrill of getting through a crisis and recounting the incident and looking back at the lessons learnt can be to a certain extend invigorating but the complacency and the monotony of day to day life can be such a drag.

I think it’s time I took up a challenge…Lose 10 pounds soon, whip up a couple of new crochet projects, finish one book a day and write a review on here? ….Nice to see I have options.

Let me get back to conquering my day…Take care my dears!

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I stepped out into

the scorching sun,

and set into motion,

equations and algorithms-

of life and purpose;

having aims and goals,

and not many distractions;

will power is not easy,

more to do with sacrifice

and for sacrifice,

you need determination, perhaps-

a dose of an alchemist’s potion?

So as the cogs of my mind rolled,

my feet moved involuntarily,

a smaller creature tugged,

on my one arm,

her tiny steps,

following me,

I couldn’t let her on.

selfishness had its limitations,

and selflessness no bounds.

If you feel this poem is tedious,

I offer my apologies,

exposing such a cross section…

the workings of my mind

I end this here

praying for order,

I end this here

no more on the border.

Monday Rambles – On Anger

I don’t curse in real life and people who know me in person know that I am pretty mellow and go to large extends to always be polite and well mannered often at the risk of sounding or seeming fake and being misunderstood….It’s a cross that I bear – I for one find it difficult to be any other way.

With friends I try to be honest and when I do let my guard down say the darnedest things which have people in splits of laughter, often because it’s like those funny situations when something you least expect to hear comes from the mouth of someone you least expected it to come from…So, yes I have been that someone and said those somethings but once in a while you just need to let go.

So why did I sound the way I did in my Saturday poem? I was angry. Anger is an emotion that I have yet to come to terms with. Sure, we all feel angry and its just a natural emotion like any other, but expressing ones anger was to me  a sign of weakness. As I was discussing with a dear friend Hugh here at WordPress in the comments following my post On Sadness I too like him used to bottle up my feelings especially my anger and then one fine day, I would just explode leaving the person at the receiving end with nothing less than third degree burns and once the catastrophe is over, I’m overwhelmed by this feeling of  guilt and remorse and my apologies would follow them for a week.

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So bottle -explode -apologise- implode… The focus would shift from the person or thing that I was angry with and move back to me and the fact that I got angry and that I expressed myself in the ugly way that I did.

Did I really need to feel apologetic for my anger? Did I always need to poo poo this feeling and sweep it under my pillow every night I went to bed?

I don’t think so. Anger is a natural emotion like any other emotion you may feel. It creeps up when you sense injustice – when you know something unfair is happening to you or to the people around you. Why shouldn’t you want to express yourself when it happens? Why wouldn’t you want to talk to someone who you feel can make the situation better for you?

I’ve decided to come to terms with my anger by – Accepting – My anger is legit and if someone is making me angry then surely something about the situation has to change. Even if the person you are angry with doesn’t agree with you or your reasons for getting angry it doesn’t matter because, once you’ve accepted the anger you can go about your life and use the feeling to take up those actions that could possibly change your situation.

I think this is what all great men and women of the world have done to make a change in the world – Used their anger as fuel to make a difference.

Have a great week folks!

I wont let you.

I won’t let you die –

though your head hangs low

In resignation

of fear I see a glint

in your eyes.

Defeat is no longer an option

The battle is begun

Change, like autumn leaves,

swirl in ominous circles,

around and around my head.

I feel dizzy, but –

I love you.

I won’t let you –

No, I wont let you die.

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Image courtesy: estationary.com