Getting back to work after a break

Hello all…It’s been a while. A lot has happened and I’m still struggling to find my bearings in Bangalore. Good news (or bad I’m not sure at this point) I’ve started working again. This time it’s a writing job! ( I know!!considering I like to write, this does sound like an interesting turn of events).

I’ve joined a content management company and my work involves reading text books on a varied range of subjects from psychology to religion to management. Language training sessions are great and begin to throw light on punctuations – some choose not to show up on certain occasions and while others show up where they are not invited  and subject-verbs can sometimes ‘disagree’. It’s a process I hear and I’m getting there…

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If any of you are wondering how it feels getting back into the work force after a break. The experience has had its ups and downs…Well, let me explain, I’ve been –

The Samurai and the Emotional wreck: I can tell you now that the experience wasn’t easy and wasn’t very difficult either. That said, I cried like a baby on my  first day. Saying bye to my darling princess was not easy in the least. Even while I sat in the training room where we were filling out forms and finishing up the joining formalities I kept thinking about lil Ems back home.Thank God she was in safe hands and her safety and well-being were not a problem. I always thought I was a very practical sort of person who would do what needed to be done without feeling any emotion like a Japanese Samurai – Nishi the Bushi (Bushi means Japanese Samurai and yes, I realise that sounds very odd with my name and the rhyme just makes it worse) but let me tell you I was Nishi the Mushy on my first day at work. One of my colleagues said she thought I had my b**** face on that day and that I looked kind of intimidating but the truth was, I was feeling bad having left little Ems behind. Don’t worry it’s been a month now and we’ve both adjusted to the new schedule.

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The Debutante and the Elderly matron: Yea so I don’t know if you guys remember I celebrated my 30th birthday here on my blog two years back and it was a nice day. I dreaded the three zero but as it turns out nothing actually changed and things only got better- emotionally I felt mature and in control, I grew more accepting of myself and the way I looked, I felt healthier and more energetic that I did in my twenties…so life was in fact getting better. But here I was at the workplace starting at the bottom with a bunch of twenty somethings. So when I finally got to talk to the cute guy in office and he asked me in a voice interspersed with equal doses of curiosity and innocence how old I was…In my mind I was like..

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…in the end however, I remember squirming and with every ounce of my being trying hard to be honest and finally I voiced my truth- I’m thirty one. Hell, when my nephew asked me how old I was when I blew the candles on my cake this birthday I acted all “caszh’ and told him that I was  ‘forever twenty one’ (the name of the store I bought the dress I was wearing or my age he can go figure) but seriously folks – if I have to be very honest age don’t matter.

The Zen master and the Drama queen: There have been several occasions in my one month of working that I’ve vacillated from being completely in control of my emotions and feelings to when I’ve totally blown my fuse. When my friend at office, lets call her Sally, called me a drama queen after witnessing my numerous meltdowns at the bank while setting up my account and at the office, it made me think and reflect…Maybe I was overreacting, maybe it’s not right to expect people to behave in a certain way when perhaps they were never taught those values in the first place. Lack of professionalism, self-centredness and a blatant disregard for others have become a trademark of majority of the youth in India today. I know I sound very preachy and judgemental at this point but I sincerely yearn for those old school values of chivalry and sincerity…Yes, Mister please explain to these kind folks what I mean…

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When you start something new and after you’ve taken a break, you tend to compare things to how it used to be and how it was. I consider myself fortunate however to have had the opportunity to experience these things and though it does get a little emotionally draining at times there is always an adjustment phase when you are trying to learn and adapt to the new surroundings and new ways of life. How have you all been?

 

My dear

My dear,

I’ve always wanted to tell you this, but for want of words – you know I have never been good with them- I have chosen to just be quiet and ignore the white elephant in the room. The problems we faced, I hoped it would go away…if you never spoke about it, it would just disappear. Well, it never did and it grew like a tiny ball of snow rolling downhill into a giant snowball – making the rift between us that much more wider.

My dear, I love you and I always will. I know you know this but I guess you deserve better. I just read somewhere that sometimes love is not in possession but in letting go…like a rose bud once plucked ceases to bloom so will you be – the beautiful rose that you were meant to be…your fragrance and beauty to be admired and enjoyed by those more deserving.

My dear, do not hate me for not knowing how to express myself. It is like a handicap -an emotional one I’ve lived with from years of abuse and a debilitating shyness. I hope to overcome this someday so that I do not lose someone so beautiful and vivacious as you from my life again. You brought music to my dreary world…and even though it seemed like I didn’t enjoy it, even as I sat at my desk ‘working’ my soul danced and celebrated –  enthralled by the beats and the fervor of the jazz you loved so much.

My dear, I hope you find happiness and love and peace forever.

Love,

Ferg

 

Time for love

They sat gazing at each other. The light of their computer screens illuminated their faces in the dark.He was seated in his home office she could see sports memorabilia and a huge foam finger hanging on his wall.Her room seemed neat and had a huge glitter LOVE & PEACE on the background…The specks of glitter glinted off the reflected light from the only light source.

They sighed together and couldn’t contain their desire for each other…If this was the real world they would just devour each other with their passion.

” I  love you” he said,

“I love you too….you need to sleep, it’s getting late” she said

” I don’t think I can sleep tonight…Kiss me” he said

She blushed and in the light of the screen her face turned a deep mauve.

” Good night ” she said ” I’ve got school tomorrow”

“Good night then,” he said trying to hide his disappointment, ” …see you in class.”

She shut down her computer removed her glasses and dropped her dentures into a glass of water, ate her nightly medicines and went to sleep.

The Wedding

The bride in darkness hunched up,

sobbing into the fabric,

sopping up her tears,

salty and dense with,

makeup dissolved.

Scent of trampled flowers

and fear still fresh in the air,

The corpse of her groom

lay cold under the earth,

tightly held by mother nature’s

deep embrace,

gaping wound -hate slashes

across his chest and neck.

The bride sat upright,

no longer hunched up;

blood stains of her love-

abstract modern art,

on a canvas of silk and lace,

a madman’s creation-

soceity’s abomination

for finding love outside

her community.

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My Forever Valentine

“Ouch!” Lea had accidentally cut her finger while slicing carrots for her salad on her brand new Mandolin slicer…She was super excited as now she could have the perfect juliennes for her salads – a couple of swift sweeping motions up and down and there they were – perfectly uniform veggies…She had gotten a little too enthusiastic with the slicer that day and the gaping gash on her thumb didn’t look very pretty…She stuck her thumb in between her teeth and with her tongue slowly and gently applied soft pressure on the wound to stop the blood that seemed to flow nonstop like water from a broken faucet.

With her thumb properly tended to and bandaged she moved on to stir the lamb that was stewing on the stove…The rich aroma of the spices wafted through her kitchen – ‘Lamb Tagine’ – Tom’s favorite! Lea and Tom had been married for two years now and Valentine’s Day was an important milestone in their journey of togetherness, as it was on a Valentines day three years ago that Tom had popped that very important question that would change their lives forever.

With her lamb cooking, her bread rolls ready and out of the oven and her salads tossed and dressed to perfection she began laying the table. She took out her vintage lace linens which were a family heirloom – each piece was specially hand made by her great grandmother and it was her gift  to her on their wedding day.

The table looked lovely when she was done – with her candles lit and rose petals delicately and tastefully strewn all around. At the center of the table, she placed a beautiful china bowl with chocolate covered strawberries.

“Hi honey!” She said, turning to Tom who was by now seated and ready at the other end of the table.

“I cooked your favorite lamb” she said and placed a plate of the Michelin star worthy tagine in front of him. She was always one for keeping up appearances both in her private life and among friends and she prided herself on her cooking and presented every dish like it was a work of art.

“Remember the Valentine’s day after we had first met, Tom? You sent me a box of my favorite chocolates and a violinist in the middle of my meeting at work…I still remember the jealous looks all my co workers were giving me…especially Doreen…oh!..You totally took me by surprise.”

“More bread?”  She asked and moved the bread basket closer to Tom’s side of the table…”That was the night of our first kiss…I remember it like it was yesterday, you were so nervous…It was beautiful” she glanced up at Tom and then reached out for the strawberries..”mmm delicious” she loved the combination of the chocolate and the strawberries – the silky smooth taste of the chocolate mingled with the fresh juicy bitter sweet explosion of flavors from the strawberry – like a love story just erupted in her mouth.

She picked up the plates and began clearing the table. As she picked up Tom’s plate she bent down and kissed him on the cheek,

I love you.” she whispered into his ear.

It was a beautiful Saturday night and as she did the dishes, she looked out her kitchen window, she could see a single bright star shining in the night sky. Having cleaned the kitchen she decided to do some reading in the living room.

“Good night Tom…Happy Valentine’s Day…I wish you had never cheated on me.”

Tom sat there at the dining table his face ashen and a shade of bluish grey, one of his eyes was no longer in its socket and the other – on the verge of falling out.His body was putrid and bloated and in the solo beam of moonlight that streamed in through the gap between the curtains on the kitchen window you could see a bullet mark right through his heart.

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