Diary of Sam – The Art of conversation

Dear Diary,

“So, I’ve never been an excellent conversationalist. I’m the guy when you sit down in a group and suddenly you notice everyone has left and its just you and that guy and you have no other place to go and you strain your brain for a very good excuse for a place to be so that you could avoid just sitting there with me and all the awkwardness..or we both just stare into our cellphones and the other guy tweets –

Stuck with weirdo#worstdayofmylife#whyme#dudegokillyourself”

…Yes, that’s been me.

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Its come to the point where I start getting panic attacks if I’m left alone in a room with just one person..if its two people its perfectly fine because if nothing else, the other two will strike a conversation with each other and I can play the role of the perfect bystander…

I’m a ‘good’ listener..did you know listeners are in great demand! Two people who are huge at talking and have an ego to match don’t quite get along and they love guys like me who suffer from a condition of chronic low self esteem who will listen to just about any non sense or gossip and bear with your idiosyncrasies so that I have an excuse not to open my mouth and can drift into the comfort of my imagination all the while acting like I’m engrossed in whatever it is you are saying..I have indeed perfected the art of ‘zoning out’.Like Mr. Walter Mitty down here

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“Just in ‘the zone’ bro”

Chicks dig me. I’m the guy they come to with their ‘issues’…stuff they can’t talk to their boyfriends about or even stuff about other girls they love to ‘share’ with me…Did I mention I’m the master of zoning out…but Hey! Im not that bad. I do listen once in a while and they ‘appreciate’ the words of wisdom I sometimes dole out in highly concentrated doses..I am also the Master of brevity..almost makes me feel like a Buddhist monk or a Zen master…fleeting boosts to my self esteem…

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I sometimes attribute my lack of topics to talk about or even the inability to contribute to my average IQ…took the IQ test and it said I had a score of 155 which is supposed to be a high average.So I’m not dumb neither am I Stephen Hawking.

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I have this crush on this girl though and I think she might be interested in me, what with all my ‘Zenness’ and all. But, I’m not sure if I can hold her attention for too long..What if she leaves me when she discovers that I’m not so cool? That I’m just a guy with the flair for the dramatic and a chronic case of lazybonitis?

She seems so smart…I think the love bug has gotten to my head as I see ‘How to master the art of conversation‘ and ‘Increase your brain power in Ten days‘ lying on my desk glowing under the light of my table lamp.

Will I be a survivor? Can I change the fate of all my brothers who dont have the gift of the gab or will I end up in the love dumpster? Guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Good night.

 

 

The Ring and the Test

“The clarity of this stone is brilliant..Cleopatra worthy..” the words from the mouth of the salesman at the jewelry store just seemed to flow as smooth as honey, though you couldn’t miss the monotone in his voice from years of describing the cut and the carat of exotic gems and precious metals to women who ‘oo‘ and ‘ahh’ at the enticing display.

She admired the diamonds and sapphires so intricately crafted onto the platinum band she was now wearing, The way the light reflected off the ring was breath taking and she stared transfixed at her hand – she almost couldn’t believe was her own. She admired her long slender fingers in different angles and every time she did, the stones presented a brand new scintillating sparkle more spectacular than the one before…Voices in the background were now mute mumbling.

As she contemplated buying the ring she knew there was one final test that the ring had to pass before she made her decision…Slowly but surely she reached out to the counter where she had placed her phone – it was the latest i Phone 6 she’d gotten just last week. She wasn’t sure if it was against the rules to take pictures inside the store but it’s not like she cared – she made her own rules. 

With one swift swipe she unlocked the phone screen and clicked on Instagram and in a matter of seconds before anyone could notice clicked a picture of the ring on her hand…But it was too late – she had already invited the disapproving glare of the elderly woman sitting right beside her, who gave her a sideways glare.

She held the phone close to her and examined the picture. Her fingers long and slender with perfectly manicured nails, every ridge and line in perfect alignment, the skin in the back of her palm the perfect shade of tan looked as smooth as silk..a couple of unsightly blue veins and bones but nothing that a little editing couldn’t fix. She could imagine all her ‘friends’ going green with envy.No longer had she posted the picture, in a matter of seconds there were a hundred likes.

“I’ll take it” she told the salesman and picking up her brand new Birkin bag made her way to the counter.

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